Saturday, April 06, 2013

4th april, 2013, would be the most memorial day of my life that i'll never forget.

i finally realised how important one could be after being together for so long.

i finally realised how one can change after being together for so long.

i finally realised how heartless one can be after being together for so long.

i dont know who's the childish one, but i'm glad after hearing all that i felt nothing when i left.

to the last point i talked to u sense, i saw that jellied expression of no remorse but hatred,

i know, you never deserve any love of mine at all.

i have spent almost one year of my life proving to you that, you are worth it, you are loved by me.

but only to realised i was being played, and everything i do is useless.

I dont know where you find that heart to do that, but one day you will regret, and i will never come back again.

maybe you wana reflect, why on earth you do that?

it could have been reasonable if you had done it to her instead of me.

and i am utterly disappointed, disgusted with your words and actions.

I will never forget, my boyfriend foo li onn, spent $3000 in a thai pub hanging flowers to this china lady.

I will never forget being lied to that he owe money and it's not cos he hand flowers.

not forgetting that I actually prepared a cheque to help him clear that debt although he didnt accept it.

I will never forget, breaking up on the 23rd, cos i wanted to give my boyfriend love bite cos i feel that he is very distant and dont loved me anymore only to be treated with frustrations and anger.

I will never forget finding a love bite on his chest on the 3rd June, one week after his fieldcamp after telling me to give him time to think.

I will never forget being told by his bitch that she gave him that love bite cos he kept insisting he dont have a girlfriend and that he will show her by letting her bite him.

I will never forget his dear buddy, Tong Wen Chuan actually helped him to convince those girls that he is really single when we broke up in such a short period.

I will never forget that his bitch told me that he went back a few days later to show her and her friends that 'see i have no gf.' cos no girl went down to find trouble, cos that point of time i DONT KNOW WHERE to find that bitch, not that i didnt do that.

I will never forget finding out that i was 2 months pregnant a few days later after fainting at work, puking, and not able to eat well for a week.

I will never forget how you treated me when I told u I am. That's irresponsibility, that heartless tone, that doubt, even when i sent pictures of my scans and test. I was blamed for not able to show you in person when you didnt wana come down to even meet me.

I will never forget how you tell me your bitch say that my pregnancy is fake when we broke up so long and never had sex. it's fucking gross cos when we were together until may, you were still very concerned that i missed my menses for on and a half month and was very excited if i could be pregnant. and when it really happened, I was told that it was a scam. Ironic.

I will never forget knowing that you told you friend shawn to go ahead and fuck me when i was stuck in a hotel helpless and knowing that your friend is horny, you gave your friend the green light to do it to me when you were together with you bitch.

I will never forget, hearing your lies that you need a break and you might be going on a short holiday with you friends or maybe chalet only to realise you have spent 4 days in china shenzhen with you slut.

I will never forget even after you came back you told me you never feel the stress when you were there, you hugged me hold me in you arms but i keep pushing you away but u kept using strength to hold me.

I will never forget you told me in the car that the chances of you marrying me is SOOOOO high that she doesnt even stand a single place but you just wouldn't leave her.

I will never forget climbing on u giving u kisses only to you turning away after all that you said.

I will never forget making a photo album of us on your birthday wanting you to remember how happy you are with me all these years.

I will never forget hearing that you all got together and 3 days only you all had sex on the bed that I BROUGHT for you when i needed an upgrade of my bed instead of u downgrading yours.

I will never forget the long wait outside your house when you send her home everyday.

i will never forget how you grab my hair and throw me on the floor when i try to run into ur room to find her.

I will never forget how you hugged me after that and tell me that you all had fucked.'

I will never forget stepping into the clinic alone for the abortion when you doubted me even till then.

I will never forget what your mum tell me that it is the best solution for now instead of asking me to go back and talk before making that decision.

I will never forget what you said after i showed you your last baby photo and the bill and having you called and sounded remorseful when you didnt.

I will never forget that night you texted me telling me that you lost and i can have you back in the unwilling tone like i was forcing you to come back to me.

I will never forget that the only tonic you promised to buy for me was one fucking bowl of pig's liver and nothing else.

I will never forget your promise to leave her and make things better btw us and then regret just right after the next morning and say you cant leave her.

I will never forget that you promised to go with me for my therapy and appointment after the abortion but you never once make it and i go tru all that alone.

I will never forget that fear and pain i had waking up to the empty feeling and regrets.

i will never forget asking you to go on the phuket trip with me on the 20th of september cos the vouchers are expiring and then you told me that if you were to go with me you would be the most fucked up bf.

I will never forget you started texting me on the 29th september telling me that you all havent talked for quite sometime and you realised that your lifestyle just couldnt be the same as hers and you all hardly have time together.

I will never forget how you keep insisting wanting to be friends but always asking me out for lunch and tracking my last seen of whatsapp and asked why i didnt reply.

I will never forget what you did to me on the 15th Oct when I finally let you into my heart, you asked me what shawn did with me and the next moment, you did exactly everything he did to me.

I will never forget that consecutive 2 days you tried to have sex with me when I was there to study for exams and then you wanted to hug me to sleep.

I will never forget that i cried that two nights over at your place cos i feel that i am being used and you assured me that i think too much.

I will never forget that period of time someone picked me from work almost everyday, from school, bring me lunch and supper, hugged me to sleep and assured me that he loves me and choose me over her.

I will never forget that you were angry that I didnt wana say you are my boyfriend.

i will never forget that you asked me if you are faithful will i be together with you because you truthfully wana marry me.

I will never forget that day when you came back telling me you want me so badly you intend to get marry in 2 to 3 years time and buy a house together.

I will never forget knowing that you still were in contact with her after being tgt for a month and when we quarrelled only then i know that you had lied.

I will never forget asking your mum into the room to talk only to hear her siding you saying you were lost when she knew that you were still together with you slut.

I will never forget that when i went back thailand for a short break i brought u the 2m bear that i wanted that you said you will buy for me cos i want something to be able to hug you to sleep when iw asnt around.

I will never forget that u never bother to call, never bother to skype never even bother to ask how am i when i was there and you were busy finding faults in me.

I will never forget on the 31st dec that i wrote a long letter on my ipad to read it out to you, telling you i am willing to be the queen like a chess game always there to protect the king, only to be told that we are impossible cos you and her got back together.

I will never forget that hug that i tot was real and your tears when you saw me crying, you held my hands you rubbed my thighs saying you're sorry and ask me to give u time and you cant leave her cos she never do anything wrong.

I will never forget trying so hard from may 23 all the way till 2 april to try to win you back only to realised that the whole period from end september till early dec that all was a lie.

I will never forget that you told me STRAIGHT to my face that we never got back together when you before that told me that you came back cos you thought i had changed.

I will never forget that coldness in your eyes and voice when you said you NEVER came back before.

I will never forget knowing that on the 19th of dec i still trying to make it up to you for the craze i did in thailand over the phone that you tell me you were in camp for range only to realise you were out the whole day with your slut at orchard.

I will never forget reading the messages how you called her names you used to call me like baby and laopo when u said that i think too much when i told u i can imagine u calling her names you used to call me.

I will never forget that I climbed up 10 levels of stairs with 7 helium balloons, with gifts and cookies on my birthday trying to surprise you only to find another china woman going to your place.

you held on to me telling me it's not what i think it is and i couldnt find the woman anymore after i left.

I will never forget you hugged me tight at the staircase that i tried to run away and ask me to stop pushing you away.

I will never forget you askign me to sneak into your house when you have never let me stepped in since dec.

I will never forget you asking me to move next to you countless times when you were by your beanbag and when i insisted not to u kept snapping your fingers asking me not to be so stubborn and i gave in.

I will never forget you holding me trying to hug me when i was sitting next to you.

I will never forget moving away to your arm chair so you would stop doing that only to have you pulled me from my legs close to you and then you held on to my toes and lie on my lap.

I will never forget that after that whole thing you told me that you did that cos it was my birthday.

I will never forget that U let me sleep beside you that day and then waking up like a monster cos she broke up with you after her friend told her that i was over at your place.

I will never forget that you told me that we broke up not because of her and that if you break up with her you will never be with me and that being with her or not doesnt matter and when i asked u to do so you couldnt.

I will never forget that when she called and called you kept not wanting to answer and then i forced you to answer you got pissed off and pulled my hair back and forth hitting me on you restboard and the window.

I will never forgot it was raining and in the middle of the expressway towards my house that i screamed and ran out of the car, and you just drive away.

I will never forget being drenched and tired and in pain and trauma that you did that just cos u dun wana answer the phone.

I will never forget that it took you 20 mins to come back and pick me.

I will never forget that you didnt send me home but instenad brought me to lunch at 201 only to see me not eating.

I will never forget you stealing my favourite ice kacang when i dun wana share and told you you are NEVER gonna ever eat ice kacang cos it's my favourite and you dont deserve to eat whast i like.

I will never forget you blaming me that i drove you to a corner make you feel stressed cos i'm very horny and my sex drive is too high for you.

I will never forget you sending me back to return the helium tank and then talk to me asking me to forget.

I will never forget finding her fucking picture in your wallet and stealing her gift to you and burn in right in front of you only to see you laughing and not asking back and although u asked me to give u back that toy, i insisted on throwing away and you just drive off.

I will never forget on the 3rd april, I went over in the morning trying to tell you that i wana end things on a good note showing you 297 pages of our old whatsapps to remind you that you really did came back that in sept till nov cos you love me and it's not a lie.

I will never forget trying to end things nice with you hugging me to sleep one last time wake up with a goodbye kiss and be gone for good.

I will never forget that day you didnt discreetly type you password like you always did and that gave me a reason to see your phone.

I will never forget that day that I couldnt help it but feel itchy handed cos i know your password and that you off your phone.

I will never forget how i feel when i saw her photos in your phone, all your messages and voice messages calling her baobei and all the mushy stuffs that you said was mine.

I will never forget how you make me sound like a crazy bitch in front of her when i did nothing too overboard other than commiting suicide.

I will never forget that you actually tell her that I sent a picture of me naked in bed with another man.

I will never forget that you told her everything about me that she mocked me that i stripped naked and no one wants.

I will never forget finding out that she was in SG all the while when were tgt and that on days that i wasnt over at your place she stayed over.

I will never forget believeing that you wana come back for good only to be told that you never and i was lying when i have ALLLL the evidences in the file.

I will never forget that i slept beside you feeling abit of happiness that i will end it well.

I will never forget purposely lying on u so i could take a picture of us sleeping tgt cos when you hugged me to sleep your face was too dark in the picture.

I will never forget that I looked at your phone with disgust and anger and am glad that i took all neccessary photos of her contacts and other girls photos to know where she work and all.

I will never forget her cocky reaction when i called her and she called me '疯子‘ cos of what you said to her.

I will never forget that lucky i had the photos of us sleeping tgt i went to send her that fucking picture and only to have her called back in a disappointed tone.

I will never forget that she insisted that you couldnt have made me pregnant cos of your sex drive when we used to do it at least twice a wk.

I will never forget that I told her we got back together why must she come back and spoil us only to realise she never had broken up with u except for one wk in sept that fucking wk when u started texting me and that after that you all were tgt throughout.

I will never forget that when i tell her you are the one who came back she said that i was the one who kept pestering you.

I will never forget after showing her the chats of you asking me to slp with you that she asked you you said you never had said that and when i showed her the screenshot she asked again you said you dont know why you said that and you cant remember.

I will never forget that when u told me you all had broken up but you still trying to win her back behind my back and make me the bad person when you keep building lies on lies.

I will never forget every single word you said every single laughter you made when both of us were seriously thinking that it is too serious to be laughed about.

I will never forget hearing every thing from her how you tried to hold us both during that period of time cos u were scared of losing her you actually came back to me hoping that if she leaves you still have me but that point when u also had me, you begged her you cried and you even drink too much and puked.

I will never forget begging you not to learn djing and you lied to even your parents saying that it was for your future studies and you lied to me saying is for yourself not for her and then she told me that you told her you wana work djing to get close to her you wana work her hours so you all can spend more time together.

I will never forget that fucking look in your eyes when she walk away, you never even bother to help me up when i fell. i will never forget you actually had the intention to lie to me and be tgt with her and that at the end of the day after all that i did you never ever tot of having me as a choice.

I will never forget that heartless hatred in your eyes when i leave your car telling you the baby it's yours and you gave that ridiculous frustrated eyeroll and tone 'ya la' and turned away.

I was fucking disgusted at how irresponsible you are, how childish you are, how heartless you are to a girl who never left your side when you were out fucking some china slut.

I will never forget how you even dared to hate me in the game you try to play with me when i naively believed every single word you said.

I will never forget how you blame me for everything you did that you chose to do but not cos what i did and feel no remorse at all.

I will never forget how i feel after hearing everything from jojo. that morning i felt nothing, but disgust.

I cant believe that i even texted you after that to tell u to throw all my stuffs away.

yes... i let you go. and i really dont wish to ever see you again or tell anyone that you were once my bf.

I will never even tell anyone that i was ever attached.

I will never ever recognise you and even bother to say hi if i ever see you on the streets or even if i were to go shake for drinks.

I dont know why i even cared till the last min

I dont know why i even bother to text your mum and made you all sound almighty after all the shit you two put me through and felt nothing.

I will never forget, and never regret what i did that day that broke my promise to you cos it's cos of that day that i realised what a fool i had been for the past one year.

From now on, all i have to say is i DONT wish for you to be reminded of me.

I DONT wish for you to even come back one day.

I DONT wish to see you ever again.

I DONT wish to hear from you ever again.

I DONT wish to know if you care or not.

I just want you to remove everything that we once had.

I just want you out of my life for good.

I just wana be free from all these lies and pretence and fake love that never existed.

I just wana be happy like i used to be and have someone to love me more that i love me.

i just wana be with someone who will treasure me pamper me dote on me and give in to me.

i just wana LET GO and move on.

even though up till this point i care. i fucking cared and still love you that's why i sent that message to your mum.

But i know no matter how hard it is i will never turn back.

ONCE, a guy never treasure, he will NEVER learn to treasure.

ONCE, a guy never learn to appreciate, he will NEVER appreciate.

and for you, if you had appreciated, that point of time when u came back, it wouldnt have been yourself stepping on two boats holding on to two woman to slp on different days.

I feel dirty and disgusting.

If you had ever felt anything for me, even thought of marrying me, you wouldnt have done that.

you would have really take a break btw us both and made a decision instead of being with both trying to figure out who you want most.

I can never forget, i was never the choice of forever. I was only the choice of a game that's only for game over.

I will never forget how you treat me, and i know you will do the same no matter how hard i try to make you believe and stay by you, you will never treasure me. cos you never had loved me.

i was a rebound once, for lihua.

and i was a rebound twice, for jojo.

I will never forget that it took such a short time to be replaced after all the first times we had tgt, all the happiness and surprises i never failed to give you every month.

I will never give in anymore like this to any guy.

and it's true that i will never love another one like you, but i know it's even more true that i will find someone who will love me better than you could ever love anyone.

one thing about you, you never cared about others, not even your family.

you only think about yourself and what you want and everything u said are just empty promises that you try to brush off when you cant do it.

you used me for 4 yrs. and now it's time.

i took 5 years to see you clear and precise.

i loved you throughout that 4 yrs together.

I loved you even when we broke up for nearly a year.

I gave in, now i'm tired, and sick, and disgusted by you actions, tone, and how u look and blame me.

I will never forget that very day.

I will never forget that from your eyes, your only regret is losing jojo, not me.

I will never forget that i was never loved before.

I will never forget how used i was for 5 years and no one appreciated and i am only being trampled and abused all these while.

yes, i was your special gf, i loved you the most i made you feel warm and like home, but u replace me with another one who couldnt even fit into the category of a girl you want.

you wanted someone pure, not a slut.

you wanted someone who listens, not someone who have their own mind.

you wanted someone with long flowy hair, not short and stubby.

you wanted someone who earns alot of money, not someone who wears little to get guys to hang flowers for money.

you wanted someone with a future. not someone who doesnt have a future.

you wanted someone who pampers you, not someone who is only there for you.

you never liked china people, but you are more in love with a china old bitch more than you ever loved me.

i was stupid to chase you for one year.

i was stupid to be with you for 4 years.

and i dont wish that 1 year ltr u started chasing me again.

i dont wish that 4 years later we go tru all these on a yearly basis.

i am just a simple girl who wants a loving boyfriend.

the one who is possessive the one who cares the one who brings me everywhere and do things to make me feel important.

I will do anything for that man. that man once existed, but it isnt the real him.

that possessive man is a cocky man, overconfident man.

i dont wish for you to come back after all the fun you have. cos i dun deserve that.

i dont wish for you to feel only when you see my stuffs. i dont deserve that.

i dont wish for you to ever talk to me again, cos i dont know which are true and how much is lies.

i want a simple life.

I no need attention from people around but my bf's.

i dont need anyone's care and concern except my bf's.

i dont need care i dont need money i dont need future plans.

i only need love, i only need truth, i only need faithfulness, and i only need to be the only woman in his heart.

i dont mind being the last woman a guy loves, cos they always love the last woman the most.

but i will never go back to someone who slept with someone so dirty and lowclass after me.

i can never accept that. and that's why i hope if one day you ever read this, you would throw all our things away.

it's for my own good. i dont care about how it is for you whether to you it is ever real or not.

everything to me for 5 fucking years from you, is fake, is lies, and pretence.

i dont love you anymore. i care. but i cant be bothered anymore.

i wont let myself fall again.

i wont let u have a chance to invite u to hurt me again.

i will never ever wana be tgt with u again.

and this time this pain no matter how unbearable i'm gonna make it.

cos i finally see you are not worthy.

no matter how hard you work. you will never come back you will never beg me. like you said.

and from that sentence i know how true it is. and i know, everything is a lie if you ever come back.

if you wana be free, let me go, forget me, throw our memories away. cos it seriously has no credibility or any bit to be remember.

I moved on. and i'm happily letting myself be loved and not trying hard to make one love me.

one day you will regret. i dont know how long it will take.

and i amd very sure, after that day, i never regret. and NEVER EVER will regret leaving you for someone better.

Monday, March 04, 2013

I cant take it anymore. how can i ever hear from you again?
I hate march. i hate 27th. everything i ever predicted came true.
I knew i would suffer, i knew i would die on every 27th and you assured it will never happened.
but now, how can i turn it back? I hate this!

it's tearing up my heart when i'm with you. but when we are apart I feel it too.
and no matter what i do i feel the pain. with or without you.
after all these time, i never thought we'd be here.
never thought we'd be here, when my love for you is blind.
but i couldn't make you see it, couldn't make you see it,
that I love you more than you ever know.
when part of me died, when i let you go.
I can't breathe easy. Cant sleep at night, till you're by my side.
and i, can't breathe easy. I can't dream yet another dream without you lying next to me there's no air.
I lie awake, I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy thinking of you.
made a mistake when I let you go baby.
I drive myself crazy wanting you the way that I do.

I want you back baby.
it hurts, so damn bad. I wana make things right.
but everytime i see you i do it the opposite cos my fear was so strong i dont know how to face it.
i feel so alone whenever i see you.
you've deleted every single photos that we used to have.
you've forgotten every happiness that i used to give.
what have i been? what am i?

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

i wont forget how i blatantly shouted i want u to send me home.
i dont know why it just came out of my mouth when i didnt wana say it.
i wont forget when u said i'm the one you loved the most.
and i know how true is that.
i know.. if it's true, she wouldnt have existed that long.
if it's true, you would have been back for good.
if it's true, you would have engaged with me and go according to plan like we had.
i know, it's only to a certain extend.
yes, no doubt i'm the one you gave the first and only flowers to.
no doubt i'm the one you did most of your first times to.
no doubt, you have loved me like a daughter, cherish me like a wife.
i know all these, were just a phase that gotten out of hand, out of control for too long which seems too real that it's true love.
i know what's true love. it's making a choice, out of options.
it's as tough making a decision btw you and ryan then. but i made a choice right from the start that i wont give up my boyfriend for him.
that's enough for me to come back and work hard, and dote on you.
and i didnt say all these just because i still love you.
but i said that to zeeming and lizann when i was closed with them then.
and i told them, to not put us tgt cos my answer will still be my boyfriend.
i know it's not something you feel. it's not something u feel towards me.
i have always been easily replaced.
if caiwei havent been huat's ex, you would have left long ago.
i dont wana be anyone's replacement anymore.
i wana be the choice.
i dont wana love.
i wana be loved, and love.
i want a two way relationship.
not one i kept chasing.
i want someone who will treat me like how i treat you and also make me wana treat him like i did to you.
for now, i met none like that.
yes i still love you, i love you like mad i missed you like crazy ever since i got together with you.
none of this have ever got a bit lesser since day one, till the last break up till now.
i tried letting ppl in, but it dont work. i stopped when i think about the hurt i caused you.
i know u dont feel the pain anymore, and this is one obstacle i cant pass.
if one day someone else make me cross that, i would love him more than i ever did to you.
yes i hope it's you, but i know deep down inside, i am nothing but a memory you dont wana be reminded of.
i have one year to wait until i graduate.
and one year is the time im taking to find that person.
if you really feel that, i'm the only person who makes you feel that u wana give everything to.
i will wait for that person, to love me the most again.
but i know, it's not the case anymore.
and this will be the last time i post this.
after my prepaid is flat, i hope you'll find a way to find me again.
im not anyone's gf, neeither did i date guys more than once.
you only have one last chance. i duno when u'll see this bloglink.
but, if u are going to wait till she cheat then u leave her, please, dont ever contact me again.
if you loved me the most, the reason to leave her, is me.
that's one thing for sure that i know very well, what true love is all about.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Just when i tot i can move on, I stepped into the place where we had so much memories.
the first time first place we washed car tgt, since sunny.
the best chicken wings that was my fav.
and ur fav ya tui fan.
haix. i feel weak, but i didnt want u as much...

Sunday, February 10, 2013

it's weird how i feel.
being loved is so different.
but, i dont know, why am i having withdrawal symptoms?

Sunday, February 03, 2013

my heart is straying......
can you stop it? or gonna let it stray?

Thursday, January 31, 2013

if i could turn back time... i wont let the same thing happen...
and i hope, i will pull it tru. i really wana give up.
but why do i love u so much?
my love, the one and only one i gave so much to.
are you really going to lose me for good before u realise how much u love me?
or.... do u not love me at all?
i really wana know what am i to u
be it lihua's rebound or not
sometimes i really hope i'm her rebound,
at least iknow u never felt real for me...
i really wana just make love one last time make u love me again
and i know... that's really very far away now cos u never think of me anymore.
just a 'how are you', 'can we be friends' or 'sorry i lie i'm not with her'
would have made me feel whatever i've been waiting for is worth it....
where did my baby foo go?
where did my laogong who gave me all of his first time goes to?
i really hope i can replay BKK and stay there forever....
i just want my husband back.
i want my lionn back....
please, dun take my lionn away?
i love him so much the pain just doesnt get lesser.
what does that slut have that i dont......
i always work hard but why she dont have to and she get everything?
i wana marry you baby..... i always will say yes....
but, why did u go away again and again?

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

people say marrying someone who loves you makes you the happiest woman on earth.
now, i cant see where is that truth.
deep inside, i only want to be yours.
be it even xiao lao po.
looks like, my life has come to an end

Saturday, January 26, 2013

laogong... i really miss u...
when will u start coming back for good?
i miss u...
i wana hug u to slp till i die.
i wana scrub ur back every night that u are tired.
i wana put u to sleep..
sit on ur lap when u read naruto and bleach.
i wana be there every tired night to hug u...
i wana be the one.
i wana be the only one...
why cant u just come back?
did u really lost every single feeling u had for me or u had none for me to begin with?
i miss u like mad....

i shldnt have contacted u.
6 days i survived.
the 7the i died.
and, i miss u...
i wish i could turn back time, hug u, kiss u, when u pout ur lips and asked for mine.
i wish i could turn back time.
i would make sure u never regret telling me u wana marry me again.
i wish i could have just one day, make love with u, lie beside till daybreak.
i dont wana lose....
i dont wana live another day without u.
but i guess, you just dont love me enough to keep my beside u.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Today will be the last time i do all these.
but i've forgotten the huge birthday card.
and the last two peach tarts that i brought for u....
and afew something else.
guess all these just never have an ending...
but, my feelings stop here.
i felt nothing after returning them back to u.
i'm free again....

Saturday, January 19, 2013

I made my mind up, that i wana give u up for good already...
i cut myself again today. that's what i kept telling myself not to do cos i saw my dad teared the other time i did.
but i did it again...
i cant control what i do now.
i wana see u so badly get that fake hug that i love but, every excuse i find, just doesnt work.
i have packed everything for u to take back with.
everything that will make me not think of u ever again.
and i'm not willing to give in anymore time.
cos i have waited nearly 8 mths already.
and all i did these 8 mths was keep trying and trying.
i never once gave up.
but i think i'm really drained now.
so drained i can hardly sleep.
i hardly gets tired.
when i gets tired i sleep for an hour.
and my body starts rejecting food again.
i went back to daily drinking.
this is not what i want.
i dont wana cut myself.
i dont wana smoke.
i dont wana drink
i dont wana puke everytime i eat.
but, no.... this is happening again.
and you are not being the asset in my life that i see and tot u will.
you are just a liability.
no matter how much you wana ruin your life for that china pussy.
i dont give a damn anymore.
i just wana end this now
ASAP
i just wana get out when i'm still in clear mine and not delusion that a part of you still love me.
cos i'm torn btw your split personality.
i dont want that kinda life.
i dont want this life.
i wana smile every night even though i still feel hurt but having someone else to make me smile.
than having to cry every night to sleep remembering all the sweet things we had like husband and wife.
i'm tired... so tired. i guess. this is my limit.
one day u will regret. maybe losing me. but definitely for putting ur life in this line as a dj.
working like a dog, earning extra money like a giggalo. driving ppl ard like chauffeur.
the smart man who have got a plan about his future in sales, earning big bucks,
is not one who's spending his life now in wreck, rather, in a university.
i have no regrets now.

Friday, January 18, 2013

what can i do to you baby foo????!!
you caused me so much pain that only happiness from you can take that away.
but why did you let that slut spoil our love like this to the extend of no return?
or have u make up ur mind to love her forever and let me go?
omgg..... whyyyyyyyyyy? why do i deserve all these when i've loved you right?!
why do you always have to choose her over me and make me lose this battle like some rubbish trash!?

Thursday, January 17, 2013

what am i to do with u?
can i ask for her damn picture, burnt it and see if u will come back?
cos the last time when i took her photo u came back to me.
it's a curse......
will you try it?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you are not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone whose biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says i love you and means it...Last but not the least, find someone you wouldn't mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and your gray hair but STILL falls in love with you all over again."

I wana find this man again......

i miss u. i miss u like crazy.
every second, every minute, every hour, every single day.
non-stop. it hurts.
i wonder if u even think of me for real. missed me for real. and even, still have more than half of you loving me.
as much as i tell myself i know u, i really dont.
i hate how u hugged me so damn tightly when u wana let me go.
what do you want? how are you feeling? why did u do so?
every single time the hug gets tighter, but u ignore me more and more.
i wish to think that u still love me but am afraid to come back to me but it's not..... i know it's not.
is you feel sorry, you feel bad you feel guilty, but you dont love me anymore......
i know how you feel for her. it's more than u ever loved me that's why u are so confused.
you remembered everything about her but you tell me you dont know anything.
all these are the negative stuffs i have in my head every fucking day and it hurts it hurts it hurts!

i dont know if you even see this link from that little note on the last page after your photos.
i dont know how you will feel after reading this. but i'm fucking hurt.
i love u sooooo much. never once had i stopped loving u in these years even up till now.
why did u let me go?
why is our plans tgt, our future plans that you always wanted, why is it nothing to you?
you didnt even bother to feel for me. you didnt even bother to tell me you're sorry give u some time to settle it with her.
all you have in your mind is all her future plans with u.....
what am i to you baby? what am i? i'm so hurt i'm so tired i feel so fucking lonely everything thinking about u.

did you really forget about me? are you really that willing to let me go with no fear and no regrets?
dont tell me we should keep a distance. i wana know that u still love me but i have no more confidence for that.
i miss u i miss u i miss u like mad.
everytime i refer back to our old photos i cried.
every time i look at our old conversations i cried.
everytime i think about how you wanted me back so badly that time i cried.
i cant stand a fucking second without u i feel fucking useless losing again and again to that china slut.
what does she have that i dont other than a loose pussy?
what can she do that i cant other than sleeping around?
where did you even find that heart to hurt me again and again after telling me how worth it i am to go for dim sums with ur mum and aunt that day?
where did you even find that courage to say it's impossible btw us forever?
where did you even find that conscience to pretend nothing ever happened btw us?
why cant you hear me at all? why cant you talk to me at all? why cant you feel for me think for me care for me and stop listening to everything she say?
am i really supposed to give up again before you start to worry or something or maybe be happy that i am with someone else?
i really dont know what's going on in your head in your heart.
why would you rather listen to some fucked up sluts than the girl you loved.
or is it, you never loved me before.?

i know, i have always been negative when it comes to you. that's because i'm so afraid of losing you.
did u forget the laopo u called the first night you got me back?
did you forgot the urge to wana hug me to sleep when you are sick?
did you forgot how much you wana kiss me when we got back tgt?
did you forgot how much i went tru for you?
did you forget whose the one who caused you to lost something u ever wanted so badly?!
this hurts this hurts this fucking hurts me like mad!
i'm not a fucking pawn in your fucking chess game.
i'm fucking tired of being mindfucked.
i wana be that queen beside the king, not the fucking idiots you used to sacrifice.
why must you push away my love.
why cant you think with your heart for once?!
these going 8 mths, i have never ONCE stopped trying to win you back.
BUT everytime i gets closer, you shut me off, you listen to her, you fucked me up.
SHE'S THE SLUT I AM NOT THE FUCKING SLUT WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME WORST THAN HER?!
i know what's hurt, cos i'm the one suffering for the past 8 mths.
what is ryan? what is that hurt?
you didnt even bother to care to come and look for me when u booked out which was a few days later.
you didnt even bother to come talk to me or ask me why.
you just ignore me, run away, and say things like it took u alot of strength to not reply my msgs WHEN U HAD LOK CAI WEI to cover up the empty spaces when i wasnt around.
if she hadnt been weehuat's ex gf you would have been gone then already.
WHY? WHAT'S THE HURT WHAT'S THE BETRAYAL YOU TELL ME.
when that point of time all you wanted was to not me.
you never wanted me back.... you didnt love me at all that explains why everytime i'm sick i'm dying of pain i'm dying of my gastric i still get scolded when u cant tell ur mum i am in too much pain to eat.
why?! why didnt you protect me even up till now?!

THEN YOU TELL ME WHY DID U EVEN FORCEFULLY PULLED ME INTO YOUR ARMS WHEN I TELL U TO GO AwAY WHY>!?!?!?!
why you keep doing things like this to me when u wana leave me so badly?
why did you have to mindfuck me making me think i was making progress but the next moment i lost another battle.
why did you always have to leave me alone to face my problems since we got together?!
when you had ur stomachache problems, i WAS the one who nv complaint about not getting to shop, eating out or watch movie outside.
WHEN you gave me ur reason for not wanting me to explore nightlife, i spent 3 and a half years not drinking except for once with your friends at tanjong pagar area while u even went to club the first 3 mths we got tgt.
i gave my youth to you to get this kind of treatment.
when u tell me you hated groupies i gave up my favourite band, not meet up with those friends just to not let u think i want artiste attention.
when u tell me u will bring me to pulau ubin when we were one yr tgt, you went ahead with rachel they all but when i asked u to before them you told me that the toilet there so dirty ltr u stomachpain how but you went with them! nvm about that cos u promised to bring me there but u never ever did.. did i blame you for that?
i always put myself in ur shoes. be it i like it or not angry or not i put myself in your shoes.
what about me?
when i'm tired at work facing all the shit alone where were you? with some slut.
when i got into trouble again where were you? still with that slut.
DID U EVER LOVE ME?!
why did u treat me this way huh?!
i tot so much for u i cant bear to hurt u and yet u did this again and again.
just when i tot u came back for good u left.
do you know i wasnt allowed to prove anything?!
i was only given fear and nothing else.!
do you know u did wrong but u wanted me to follow your conditions and I DID
just when i start to wana hug u wana kiss u, U FUCKED ME UP.
YOU ASK ME TO LEAVE. FOR OUR FUTURE SAKE FOR BETTER FUTURE.
and where did that future go? TO THAT CHINA SLUT NAMED JOJO.
fucking wake up ur ideas man. why the fuck this woman over here love u so much.
she been tru your poorest, your hardest, your lowest, your fears and all. WheRE were you when she have to let go of her love?
where were you when she was lost and scared.
why did you make use of her to get over that china slut why?!
didnt i do enough?
do you know i really love you so much my plans changed the day i lied beside u again?
do u know i was so sick of work since u went back to her cos of all the china ppl but when u were right there for me i didnt give a damn and was so friendly?
do you know that i wanted to make u love me soooo damn much and then fuck u up and cheat on u but the moment i 'tot' you really love me alot i feel bad and i didnt want you to feel the way that i did.
DID YOU FEEL THAT WAY FOR ME AT ALL
WHY THE FUCK DID U HUGGED ME.
WHY THE FUCK DID U LIE TO ME
WHY THE FUCK DID U MAKE USE OF ME.
WHY THE FUCK DID U CHOOSE HER AGAIN AFTER I TELL U OUR FUTURE PLANS.
what am i will u tell me what am i?
what have i got left for other guys?
i am just a rejected fucking rotten apple u caused while she's that fucking apple core that many ppl has licked and bite yet u wanted it so badly.
when will u listen to ur heart.
when will u man up and face all my stuffs.
when u will be there again?!
i am so fucking tired so damn tired alone! all i ever wanted was love and nothing else.
i never once blame you for things u cant do.
yet i kept blaming myself for things i did and did not do.
what did i do wrong?
what was wrong with me with us or is it you are the problem cos u dont wana face feelings.
i hate you i hate u i hate u so fucking much.
i gave u every options every choice i have so u have the time to think but in the end what i got?!
why did u even hug me why did u even lie on my head why did u even hold my hands why did u even draw that fucking hamster why did u even fucking tell me about our plans why did u even fucking compare me and her?!
i gave u everything u wanted. i did everything i ever wanted u to do for me and never asking for return.
i looked downstairs my hs every night.
i want u back so fucking badly.
why did u drift so far away?
why cant you leave her?
why did you treat me this way?
do you still love me or not?
do you still want me back or not?
do you not regret at all?!?!?!?!?!?!
i really dont know you anymore i am so fucking tired i gave up my plans of getting u a carebear every month.
do u know hw much it fucking hurts imagine u fucking that slut?
DO YOU KNOW I ACTUALLY LIVED WITH THAT FEAR EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GOT BACK WITH U THAT U ARE FuCKING HER BEHIND MY BACK AND JUST WHEN I BELIEVED U U LEFT ME AGAIN TO FUCK HER?
you tell me. u want love not sex you explain this to me.
are u still you or are u just too crazy in love with her that u never felt for me that u duno what to do except to keep doing things for her?!
I AM FUCKING HURT!
why cant u just be here for me why?!
guess u wont see this guess you wont read this and guess you wont even have a chance to find or contact me again cos i've set my mind clear. i am not going to use my number to contact u.
i will leave you for good.
for one reason that i did wrong that u left and not wanting to think of the many reasons you can stay forever.
i dont want a man like that.
i dont want a man who comes back everytime i wana give up.
i dont want a man i loved so much to make use of me while sleeping with another woman who was a CHEAP SHIT PIECE OF SLUT and her fucking name was jojo.
i hate u.... u're not gonna come back anymore i hate u! i hate u for replacing with such a piece of trash.
u will regret every choice u made now for not leaving her and heal my wound.
instead make it deeper and deeper.

“I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love.”

i loved you too much. u never once afraid i wun be there.

you forgotten ur china trip with zt how upset you are and how much u miss me and whose the idiot who video cam with u everyday without fail and yet when i go overseas u like someone else.

i gave in too much i'm left with nothing. NOTHING.

nothing compared to a trash i'm worst than trash

you will fucking regret! I HATE YOU!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Baby, you really forgotten about me.
it has been four days since we talked. i stalked ur facebook everyday
even went to your dj school's website and look at your picture.
as much as i hate it, i missed looking at u.
why? how can u really forget the hamham u used to love?
is it cos i actually stopped contacting u that u chose to walk away from me?
i lost the mos important thing, which is my phone today.
i was frantically calling u but no one answered.
no one called back...
you felt like my lost phone. i can never get to you.
why? why did you become this cold after that night u hugged me so tightly?
why did u become the way you are when some part of you are still so madly in love with me?
why? why did you let me go? why did you let us go?
why did you even do this to me again whenever i needed you the most?
why baby? why?
what did i do so bad that made us like this?
or has your heart, totally given up on us?
it hurts........... my heart hurts...
why whenever i needed you the most i'm always alone?
these 4 years. all the while, all alone. why?
why did you keep doing these to me? why????????
give me a reason of my mistake to make us irreversible
tell me how good she is that made u find it so difficult to walk back to my open arms.
tell me how much she did that made u forgot everything i did the past 4 years tgt and these 8 months struggling alone
tell me what is so different between me and her that make u totally forgotten i'm ur laopo.
you forgotten. the first night i stayed over at your house the first question i asked u.
'can you call me something i wana hear?'
instead of baby you called me laopo.
how can you forget about that? how can you?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

It's been almost 8 mths since the breakup.
the greatest blow i ever had in my life.
and yes, looking back at my past post for the past almost 4 years, i realised i never learned to let go.
never had.
it's been almost 2 mths ago that you came back and left.
that was the moment i thought we would be good for good.
looking at what we used to have, i cant help but keep crying.
not that i'm weak. but i was ever so happy, we were so happy, why did all these come to an end?
i missed you. i really miss you so much and all i can do is stare at that picture and do nothing about it.
i wana call u again, i wana wait downstairs and hug u when u end work and just not talk the whole night.
cos i rather hold on tight then to be pushed away.
why did we became like this?
arent you mine? didnt i gave in enough all these years to even make one big mistake?
didnt you call me everything u never once called the ones u used to be with?
didnt i give u the best memories of your life?
didnt i prepared the best on every occasion without fail?
didnt i always have surprises for u?
didnt i love you enough, gone through enough, to have you back in my life and never go again?
did u forget your baby? did you forget you laopo?
did you forget the hugs when u sleep?
did you forget the one who feeds u milo when u have mac while driving?
did you forget the one who gives u 3/4 of her food to her and eat little when she have such huge appetite?
did you forget the one who made u smile, angry. forgive, laugh?
did you forget the one you gave every first thing to?
did you forget the one you wanted to marry?
did you forget about me?
the best memories are ones you dont even wana touch now....
how can you let her back into your life and hurt me like this?
how can u go back again when u wanted me back so badly then?
am i just a replacement of her and not the other way round?
am i really so worthless you want everything else but me?
am i just the balloon you let go?
i miss u, i miss u i miss you. what can i do without u?
every single part of me wants you back, why cant you?

where's happily ever after?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I grew up a happy kid, turned out a angry pre-teen, acts out a funny teenager, and end up an unhappy adult.

20 years going 21 of my life, i never once thought being myself would be tough.
I never thought being taken for granted for would be this tiring.
i never knew loving someone too much would kill my soul.
and now i did.
just a little too late cos the wounds from the previous never heals and the next one comes about.
i thought we've grown to be mature,
but the truth is, we've outgrown the nicey-ol'-innocent, and became the bitchy-hell-you-be messing-with-me.

if someone had told me love would be so unhappy, tiring, taken for granted for..
god i swear, i would have never made such a rash choice of the wrong person.
i regret living in fear and unhappiness.
i wana be carefree..
if you cant let me be free, let me go...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

sometimes holding on to something just doesnt works.
hands dont clap all the time.
they are separated most of the times.
maybe... that's what we have become.
i've grown to be lonely. i've grown to be pessimistic.
i've grown to be sensitive.
i'm starting to see why ppl cant stay apart.
i'm starting to see the importance of being together.
i'm starting to see our differences.
i'm starting to see the mistakes i made in holding back.
no matter how hard you try to want to hold it, the answer deep inside u was letting go.
where's the point, what's the point?
it ends here. i gave up.
i held on to a silent phone for 10 mins.
i cried, i sobbed so hard but no one hear me.
it feels like being locked up in a room with 4 walls,
no space for breathing, no air for voices to be heard.
i'm just alone, crying, no matter what happen, no one hears.
cos it's all silent, nothing gets out, it only comes in.
like the dark side that always absorbs,
while u're the white side that always bounces off.
what have we become........

GREAT JOB!

Friday, March 19, 2010

i'm feeling lucky these few days, so i went to play mahjong. end up losing.
T_T
sometimes in life, not everything is sunday. HAHAHAHA
BUT IT'S OK!
I'M HAPPY CAN LE!

you know what i'm happy about?
i've just gotten a new job at echo music.
YAY~!
hopefully he's able to train me with their equipments like he said, after I've settled down everything.
and soon.. i can take up lessons!
YAY!!!
hopefully i can do it.
and i hope it's not too lonely for me.
cos i think it's quite a lonely job? ahahahaha
I NEED TO THANK AH MUI FOR the INFORMATION!
must be thankful.. hahahah. thanks muimui!!

the weirdest thing ever happened in an interview..
'you know nic ah?'
HAA! that was the first question i got! WAHHAHAHA!!!
ok. gotta rest awhile more before waking up for work.
TATA~

JOB PLEASE

Monday, March 15, 2010

omg. i need a job.
i'm so freaking broke.
and the current job i only working once per week.
first day already lost 45 bucks. RARRRRRRR
NEED A JOB NEED A JOB NEED A JOB!!!

here's my new love... :)

my first two hamsters. but one i sold it back to the auntie cos it bites really hard.
and was a damn big bully. and she was a real great actor. usually when i put my finger down. she will grab it aggressively. but when i brought her to the shop, she pretended to be sweet. OMG. even small animals can act.

This the one that bites. i dun like her but i stilll misses her.

This is my an zai... he's molted winter white. hehehe. shall post a clearer on next time with my new hamham.

impossible.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

we'll never be.
and it'll never happen this way.
you will never understand me.
and never will give in to understand me.
our world only revolves around your everything's right and my everything's wrong.
i dont exist in anything right.
or do i have the rights to be appreciated at all.
nothing, was meant for me. nothing.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

my life was all about giving in to you accepting everything as my mistake.
my life was all about finding ways to let you be yourself, and losing myself.
my life was all about making things easy for you and make life tough for myself.
my life is all about you you you no matter what you were, who you become, how you looked like, how much you love me, how much you care about me, how important i am to you, it's just about you.
but at the end of the day i'm the only one living in my one and only world of my life,
the one that you never wana step in cos you think i was never right.
the one you would never accept cos you know you cannot do so.
the one you would never be able to live with cos you know only she cant live without you.
and at the end of this life.
i owe you, what i tried to gave to you. everything.
i'm done in giving. when's mine? it never comes...
i've always been waiting, and now i'm tired.
but still, i've got your whole new drama world to face and run after. why?
my life's so fucked up around you.

Monday, February 15, 2010

i'll trust again..
happy valentine's day.
HAPPY NEW YEAR~ =)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

i'm scared......
if u were given a chance.
how will u grab it?
how will u treasure it?
how much will u give to attain it and cherish it?
and how are u going to show?
i've got no faith....

so broken

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

i've got a double instant blow.
i've got a night of dreams you're every part of the show.
i have to i have to i got to let go.

it the toughest waking up.
trying to look for the morning messages that have never come for awhile already.
trying to wish for some 'missed calls' that has never gone past 5.
hoping..... why do i always carry so much hope one someone like him.
it's more than right to let go.
more than right to just throw him away cos he's not worthy.
it's so hard when i'm trying to cry but no tears are falling.
am i turning heartless or is it i keep having the mentality we'll get better.
cos no, we'll never get better.
he'll still be the same not caring about my feelings.
not taking care of me when i'm not feeling well.
not there for me when i needed someone to hold on to.
why am i still hoping for such a useless person.
yes useless. i'm openly using this on you.
i wish doing all these that i'm doing now is as easy as letting go of a balloon.
no, i wish i was that balloon.
i wana get away. i want the pain the leave.
i want to leave.
i dont want to wake up expecting nothing.
i'm drained....

shouting

from the bottom of my heart i'm screaming.
i'm tired, i'm disappointed, i'm hurt, i'm broken.
can i say i was never healed?
I care about your pride and ego, who's there to care for mine?

i'm not crying, i was too disappointed to.
i was in too much pain to.
well, it's not the first time.
i think i know what we are walking into.
i think, you know what i'm implying now.
i'm not sharing my ice creams with anyone anymore.
i wana be left like this from now till...... it tries to piece back.
it doesnt matter how much pain i have to go through..
i'm letting go.. fly... away...
it will heal, it will be back again..
wait and see...... i'm doing fine.. hahaha
i'm throwing us away. no point keeping a memory.

rough patch

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

do this hear this everyday almost everywhere see this anywhere on msn fb and such?
tsk.. tough month for everyone.
still, i'm not as strong as the ones who made decision.
take care to those....
true love's worth all the pain u're going through now for the right one to arrive.
jiayou~~~

COOLISH SCIENCE CENTRE!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

HELLO! went to the science centre... yesterday...
class trip. FUN!
for like third time in my poly life! woots~
went for the sound installation.
OMG! i forgot to take the picture of my ringer game!
nvm. here's something cool. the new installation.

REACT TABLE! COOL RIGHT?!
u can make music simply by placing the acrylic blocks on the react table! COOLISH~

mthis is my weight on neptune.. haix.. i wish i'm there.. i feel more normal. i'm like ultra underweight here... and please lor. i was holding heavy stuffs then got 38 lor!

my weight on moon!

Sunday, January 03, 2010

人不到伤痕累累就不会懂得后悔
千分憔悴万分疲惫
打击着我对你真爱的绝对
人不到伤痕累累就不会懂得后悔
看着意冷心灰望着孤单滋味
心活在寂寞深渊爱恨两边我就快要崩溃

will u let go of the balloon and not look at it?
and not think why u loosen?
and not think why u want to do so?
or is it just like another kid, the new one, with new colour, new design will take over ur used to be happiness?

tell me why...

Monday, December 28, 2009

why is everything always a mistake.
why is pain always so real and yet happiness seems so fake and right at ur face.
why why why?
how can u love someone so much and yet feel hurt most of the time.
WHY?!?!
RARRR!! i'm so angry. so pissed off.
i wish someone. just anyone. take me somewhere faraway from him.
let him worry for once.
let him cry for once. for me.
let him know how it really feels losing me.
I'M SO FREAKING PISSED OFF!

anyways... merry christmas..... ^_^

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I miss home... ok. not like i'm not singaporean....
but...... everything feels happier there.
LOOK! i was only 14 then...
haix.........
i actually managed to talk like 10 mins with my grandpa today..
MY THAI IS IMPROVING!
okok i'm shooing... mahjonging soon..... =)
wish me luck!

who am i....

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i drew ten over hundreds of circles today trying to figure out what and who i am.
I thought people would understand what i always try to be.
guess i dont even know myself.
i see afew happier people out there when i neglect them and they left me!
i'm just too ________ .
and girlgirl... u're not the first to tell me that.
T_T so pathetic.........

anywayssssss..... why cant i have more perfect friends?
all ur photos are SO DIFFICULT to find.
and SOOOOOOOOO DIFFICULT to photoshop!
u know what? wait till christmas. i'll finish up by then.
and....... let's ignore me for awhile.. i'm dying....

how small is this world? i duno..

Thursday, December 10, 2009

the world is getting sooooooo damn small as we grow.
so small that everyone seems to be connected in some way or the other.
eg. girlgir's primary school classmate was jingwei. OIE!
then.. lionn's cousin, michelle, was my classmate, eunice's close friend.
and then.... jinlian's friend, ben, 's girlfriend, was leona's classmate!
and there were like many more things that happened within this feel weeks in this freaking small dot of singapore that still requires you to take one an da half hour to travel from east to west, then another hour from north to north south east west.
omgomg.....
then everyone will start knowing what kind of embarrassing person you are and start laughing at your pre-school joke and everything.
SOOOOOO smallllllllllllll when it's supposed to be rather big.
i cant imagine one day i'm ur mother's best friend and you dont know.
TSKTSK~~ HELP!!!!

ice cream

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Life is like ice cream.
The instant happiness that left the deepest footprint in your life.
The instant moment you fell in love with.
But it dont stay forever. It gets forgotten till the bells ring again.
And then you remember the people you share that happiness with.
and that happiness is so short, you wish it could stay forever.
but it just melts so instantly you cant wait to ask for more.
and when will that someone else share that little ice cream with you again?

till thennnnnnn

Saturday, December 05, 2009

i shall stop here today for this new skin. nicE?
ahhh. whatever.
i refreshed the page when i was 3/4 done before saving it. and poop!
GONE! RARR!
5 hours of simple work. -.-
TATA~~~

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

time waster.
i duno why i still think for someone so selfish.
you dont wana learn. never learn.
so be it.
chance given. thrice.
forget it. i'm fucking tired.

urself

Monday, November 30, 2009

you can cry.
you can scold.
you can vent anger at anything and everything.
but at the end of the day, will you be able to pick yourself up?
learn. grow up. be strong.
it just gets tougher everytime.

useless.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

the most 'should not live in this place girl' is me.
and i wana leave.
i wana get out of my house.
i wana leave everybody.
i wana just let go of everything.
where can i go?
what will i be?
even the one i love the most never know.
screw everything about us.
my world. has nobody. not even me.
i'm nothing. i'm invisible. i'm unimportant.
i dont exist.

happy happy~~

Monday, November 16, 2009

x'mas present for my animal gang. cleared.
three more to go.....
and then i'll have to get ready all those christmas cards..
T_T
just realised that christmas card's like everywhere luh...

UT screwed.
i was too hungry to think.
everytime ting walked passed.
my stomach will go 'grrrrrrrrrrr'...
and it's a super sustained one. -.-

so prepared for christmas.... :D

tired...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

sometimes... it's the person that makes the difference.
i love it when i get to lie down on ur lap watch you and drive.
i love it when i get to lie beside and watch u snore urself to sleep.
i love it when i get to share food and drinks with you when i cannot with others.
but so many other things i want that was what others couldnt make me feel or get for me.
i want them...
when will there be a day when this will happen?

long day for me today..
went to help my cousin do her hair and all..
in a mess though... i'll post some pictures of the other kids performing.
kinda adorable... chaos.... sleeping time...

lousy day

Saturday, November 14, 2009

today was sucky....
if people dont know why i hate fridays.
i tell u now.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO FREAKING GO TO SCHOOL FOR SOME FREAKING MODULES I FAILED FOR NO GOOD REASON AND COS CLASS WAS DAMN BORING.
First reason being. class was lonely. all year2s! how i clique?
although they are nice people....
then.... it's like.. so stressing and tiring cos lesson was half an hour earlier.
plus.. the moving of the huge equipments, worksheets, taping of cables to the grown and setting mic stands and all. freaking tiring! early in the morning.
but class end like damn early. different from the previous Studio tech luh...

BUT WHAT'S MORE UNLUCKY WAs.
i got scolded by lava today for nothing.
i was happily sitting down there when a sudden pop sound came from the DI box.
and then i went to the mixer to make sure we mute it and all and just nice lava came.
and so...... he probably assume i was the soundman there.
and then they plug in the DI box. 'POP!' again.
nabeh.... and the next minute he was shouting over cos i was using my phone. -.-
IT'S NOT MY FAULT LOR I JUST HAPPENED TO BE THERE!
ARGH..... i'm so not doing rj and self evaluation..
whatever the grade i'm getting today. D or F. whatever.
do so much also get C. might as well just get attendance and score UTs. argh.
pissepissedpissed.
people who dun talk gets better grades than those who did. COCK LA! argh..
nvm.......... i still like lava. but i'm really sick of fridays...
and it's so going to be brought forward to monday omg....
i rather sleep. monday blues... boo~~~~

mahjong tmr? duno if the plan will fail. strong feeling's not gonna work..
hahaha. whatever luh.. if have i can play! if not then i go play poker lo...
T_T money lei.... tsk...
i'm so not in the mood today la! T_T

another stupid thing is my phone. stupid GPRS for 3 days was $150.
WHEN I DID NOT USE IT.
all the while i tot i was using wi-fi. but the 'sing-man' tell me that it doesnt mean so as the phone will take the faster one. which. is GPRS.
the big 'F' word's gonna fly everywhere from me la i tell u.
that stupid 'sing-man1' told me i couldnt cancel it till one month later de lor!
imgaine i wait. i would have burned millions of pockets.
T_T unlucky unlucky unlucky la!

new phone

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

i bought my new phone. HTC dream.
same as my cousin.....
bulky, heavy, but super stylo.
i love the slide and the touch!
i've spent like the whole day figuring out how to activate it.
when... it was only able to be activated last midnight. which was an hour ago.
bloody hell.
and duno why it automatically switched to flight mode.
and i was so pissed off cos i cant use anything until i realise that.
for one whole freaking day my goodness.

and lesson was crazy. composition.
i screwed progression when i tot i did great. -.-
but well nvm... i think i'm improving. wahahahahah!
i was sooooooo blur that i wasnt aware my lappy was on 'mute' mode.
it happened twice for christ sake.
i better wake up.
i was too busy with my new fascination.
using ur fingers to activate the buzzing sound from the audio cable.
it's dumb i know but they were all having fun laughing at me. haa.
and ting was like so happy...
he sang in class.... 'three blind mice' -.-
and the superman theme song.
damn crazy. he even ask why i laugh. haa... cos it's damn funny la!
i was imaging how ST wouls have felt when she's like being left at one corner....

ok! phone exploration!
got loads to play around with! games ah!!!!!

heartbreaking...

Monday, November 09, 2009

wasnt really upset...
i did teared. but not as bad....
i kept thinking of u.
even when i tried not to... i'll dream of u.. it's so torturing........

i refrain from booklink cos i know i'll end up thinking alot about what u like to eat.
i refrain from my temptation of going to ur house cos i know i'll end up being devastated seeing all the stuffs i put so much time and effort and energy in beside the dustbin.
i dont know what to do anymore...
i still hope we can be.
but i dont yearn to be by your side...
not until you need me to....
and now.. i'm going to refrain myself from not thinking about you...
i dont want to..... cos it's painful...
i hated my hands for hitting you.
cos the pain's in me. not you.
i hate the sight of the cocky you.
cos the one who's really angry and can do nothing it's me. not you.

if i could turn back time. i wished we hadnt be together.
at least... i can ask u out anytime i want for movies and mahjong.
not being restricted within your zonal area....
and i wouldnt be suffering all this torturous moments again and again.
but i cherish what we had. i did. always. will be. forgotten.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

till u know what u should say...
whether u wana treasure.
or always let go.

opened

i've decided to open my blog again.
i've spent 3 hrs doing this up. not my style of colour though but.
wana try something new. hehehehe.
maybe i shld try get some sleep....

guys you shouldnt date.

Do you find yourself constantly being let down by the men you date and bouncing between being single and in a relationship as often as Jessica Simpson? The problem isn't you; it's the men you're dating.

The holes in your dating sieve are currently bigger than the one we have in the ozone layer, and its allowing any man who shows you even the smallest morsel of attention into your life. You need to tighten the reins on your life and raising the dating bar. It's a huge experiment requiring lots of trial and error, but there are certain men who don't even deserve an ounce of your attention. And, once you know what to look for, it's not too hard to sift through the rest of the dating pool to find Mr Right.

But, until Mr Right does come along, here's a list of guys you should definitely banish from your list of potential options.

#1 Playa

He's the perfect lover, makes you feel like you're the queen of his world and that he's perched you high above a pedestal away from any other woman in his sight. He's well-dressed, charming, witty, funny, and his manners are impeccable. He's out to make an impact on the women he makes, and he'll definitely make that impact on you...and every other woman that tickles his fancy.

Every woman will come across at least one of this kind in her lifetime, and while the charm and attention may be extremely flattering, don't be fooled. You know you'll be nursing a broken heart when he gets bored.

Mr Tin Heart

The emotionally unavailable man has been the pitfall of many single women. Yet, he's the easiest of the species to spot. So why do we get ourselves into such a mess with him when we usually know early on that it would sooner snow in Singapore before you can get him to commit?

“These women really believe that they can change a man's mind about being with them, or they simply make themselves believe they can, because they feel like they have no other choice,” explains Sally Reeves* a relationship counselor.

There's usually a reason why these men can't commit. Your job isn't to figure out why that reason has come to be, but instead, if it's a reason that's actually good enough for you. If it is, then may be you need to look at yourself and ask "why don't I find somebody who is ready for commitment?" says Susan Jeffers, author of 'Opening Our Hearts To Men.'

Mr Mummy

In Western cultures, any 20something year old man still living under his parent's roof would (almost literally) be laughed out of house and home. While the same concept cannot be applied here in Asia, it's not hard to spot a mummy's boy.

The signs aren't even subtle. He's always going to choose is mum (or aunt or sister) over you. And while there may be times he's hesitant about making that decision, make no mistake, the end outcome will always be the same: Mum 1 - You 0.

What's worse, when things don't work out, he'll believe that the issues lay with you not trying hard enough to get along with his family.

Tan Sri Lambat (a.k.a. Sir Late-A-Lot)

If he knows he's made an appointment to meet you at a certain time, yet can't be bothered to plan around that accordingly, he's pretty much saying, "I'm unreliable, disorganised and I don't really respect your time."

“Every time you break a time promise there is a consequence and you are sending a subtle message to the person you stood up that they are less important than you or whatever you were doing” Karen Kawalec*, a behavioral specialist and counsellor from the UK. "Do this enough, and you’ll strain the relationship you have with this person for the long term. It also says that you aren’t responsible, reliable, or maybe even sincere and honest.”

Mr Office-Is-My-Home

We applaud men with ambition. We applaud their dreams and aspirations and seriously, that go-getter attitude is sexy! But there's a time and place for everyone, and no job needs to be worked at all day, every day.

On the plus side, the workaholic is always well-dressed with impeccable manners and an admirable knowledge of many things. He knows how to make you feel like a real lady. On the other hand, dinner dates (if they hadn't already been cancelled) will usually turn into a solo affair, with you picking at the food while he screams down the phone about some deal or the other.

However, we're not going to relegate all workaholics to the no-fly zone of dead beat men. You'll have to exercise some discretion, and patience, to sort through the ones you can deal with and the absolute no-hopers.

Mr Whiny

This guy's self-esteem has fallen so low, it's almost made friends with the Hobbits of middle Earth. But, he doesn't think it's his fault; it's always someone else's.

Maira*, a psychologist of 10 years says, “as an adult, pity becomes a burden. It's almost endearing for a child to be sucking its thumb and clutching a blanket. For an adult, well... you're not going win a whole lot of admiration among your peers! Pity disconnects you. It disconnects you from yourself, from other people, from your world, and from your won control.”

His constant belief that he is the victim means he's always seeking attention and becomes distressed when he feels he isn't getting what he needs. While some women's overpowering maternal instinct draws them to men like this, eventually, they will get tiring.

Mr Quick Trick

Admittedly, everyone lies. But, this lying leech has an excuse for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

At the start of you relationship, the fibs were subtle. You knew there was something not quite right about his explanation but he backed it up with something solid, so you let him get away with it. But, the more he gets away with, the bigger his lies get.

"It's like he couldn't help himself and was addicted to lying!" says Shauna* of her ex. "I used to believe him at first because they were just little things, but eventually, they became so frequent, and sometimes were even so ridiculous I actually felt embarrased for him!"

The Ex Texter

There's nothing wrong with being friends and keeping in touch with your ex, but too much contact can prove detrimental to future relationships.

“When you continue an emotional relationship with someone instead of letting go, you will usually have subconscious feelings for them or realise that the feelings never went away, which can be damaging to new or potential relationships,” Sally* says. “But, you get a rush from doing it and from hearing back, and it's naughty, yet safe in its own right."

The Game Boy

Nothing wrong with a man and his game console...unless he chooses it over you.

“In the broad sense, it’s (consoles) a substitute for social interaction, or just another outlet” explains Ken Lee*, who works in a computer games outlet. “Computer games represent an individual challenge for men and can be a way of relaxing.”

In a way, gaming to men is what shopping is to women - therapy. But, that doesn't mean we shop all the time. The absolute danger sign ladies, is when he calls in sick at work because (a) he didn't sleep the night before battling zombies or (b) he needs the day to advance to the next level. When that happens, either 'accidentally' trip and spill a mug of hot tea over the console, or, if you fear that may endanger your life lest he rage at you, just leave his keys by the door and leave. You'll be better of for doing it.

http://lifestyle.sg.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=3682435

knew it.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

i know i was never important.
i kept thinking I would be.
now i know. i've see it clearly.
i dont wana be made use again.
i dont wana be taken for granted.
i dont wana be forgotten.
i dont wana be neglected.
i wana be everywhere.
i wana know his everything.
i wana spend time with him all the time.
that's it... u're just not the one.
u cant be bothered anyway.
that's it. it's us. we're like this. nothing.

couples talk on phone for hours once in a while or almost everyday.
so what if we were long already.
dont make sense.
i'm envy of everyone around. EVERY single one.
cos i was never been treated this way..
so am i unlucky or are u just lousy?
i tot u were different. u made me feel different.
yes different definitely. cos i'm always scared of u.
always giving in to u.
always let u do whatever you do because i'm afraid of losing you.
but u're not afraid of anything.
so what's the point. what's my poiint.
i end up thinking i'll never find someone as nice as you when it's so clear to me that people i know were all being treated so nicely but not me.
now i know.. u just wana make urself feel nice by telling me i'll never find someone like u out there.
obviously. cos u compare with the worse..
u never compare with the best.
and that's you. you'll always end up having a relationship like this.
three whole relationship plus the many more to come.
cos. one thing. u only know how to treasure till u're losing it forever.
meaning. death. not even friends. cant even be friends.
and i hope one day u see the one u used to be with die.
then u learn to treasure. if not. dont waste my time.
u dont love me. u just wana be loved. that's all.
if u dont wana possess me. protect me. dont tell me u love me.
cos u're leading me on. making me feel so reliant on you when the fact is you are the one relying so much on others and yet not knowing how to treasure.

unconscious.

why do i keep feeling it again and again...
why do i keep running away...
havent i found my answer?
or am i still uncertain....
when will i get weary of all these runnings..
i hate pretending nothing had happened..
controlling have never been my strength.
why do i keep doing it. why why why........

again and again........

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

when we tried. we tried. we knew we did.
but did it? i dont know.
we were happy. no break ups for 12 days.
no serious quarrels.
but the thing i need and not get all the time never go away.
how....?
what else can i do now?
i'm out of ideas and wits.
i'm not thinking.
i'm not feeling.
i'm sooooooo insecure.
just.. gimme a break. for awhile.
maybe i shld be alone again...
we are probably heading a different way.
i wana be low profile. quite. but noisy with u.
but u're like the opposite.
nvm....... u wun understand. neither will u find time to read....

Friday, October 23, 2009

I let my jealously on overdrive.
now i cant take it back what i've done.
i can let it pass.
but it'll never be forgotten.
i've lost myself twice.
i dont regret.
i just hope i dun get worse.
cos it's not right even if u're the right person.

what to do......

Sunday, October 18, 2009

everywhere smells like him.
looks like him.
everywhere was where we went before.
bought our watches.
the shop that sells our rings.
i cant get rid of everything around.
it's my mistake of being tgt......
i dont know what to do....
i cant erase or remove all those torturing sights....
i wana give up but i cannot..
i keep wanting to try.. why??
am i not dumb enough?

finale

Saturday, October 17, 2009

用眼泪换来的爱情，是同情。
用争论换来的爱情，是悲情。
用感动换来的爱情，是骗局。
用勉强换来的爱情，是单情。

i'm not crying anymore.
i'm not holding back anymore.
cos no matter how much u tell me in the past how much i mean was so long long time ago.
i'm not a home anymore.
i dont give you warmth anymore.
maybe. that's what they called 'enough is enough'.
you have reached the point already.
i'll continue mine.
someone else will come along and pick me up.
teach me slowly from where i fall.
from where i learn my 'once bitten, twice shy'.
to where i know it's love. and being loved.

if i die tonight, i wont regret, i'm so prepared to.
all my life i have never given up on anything.
i have lived it to the fullest.
i wont regret cos i've lived to treasure and love.
and if i die, God will love me the way i never got on earth.

thanks for the time being away for the past few months forcing me to be alone and independent.
everything felt like the same. like we're still together cos even when we were.
we hardly talk on the phone.
we hardly smsed.
we hardly see each other.
we hardly feel each other.
and from here i'll carry on.

i wont let another conquer my heart anymore.
it hurts more than being alone.
i'll carry on from here without being missed or love like the usual.
i havent given everything i have to someone.
and now it shall remain.
true love is all pretentious happiness with lonesome tears and quarrels everyday.
where will i stand from today onwards. no one knows.
till the one who's right and smart came along and teach me what i missed out.
have learned his mistakes.
have learned to give more than taking.
i'll continue from there with another if not it doesnt matter.
i'm used to being alone caring for myself. crying to a stationary body that has got no heartbeat.
no feelings. cos it's not a human. it's something i treasure and sleep with every night.
and i'm giving him up tonight already because i wont need to cry anymore.
for being given up means not holding to what i wana keep as memories.
i'll give you back all of us.
i'll reformat you from my head.
you are free and ready to fly.
there wont be anymore unneccessary sadness, stress and obligations.
hope that's all you wanted if u die tonight.
u wish we were never together.
i have given you everything you can get from me.
i'm left with nothing to give already.
it doesnt matter if we'll ever start over again.
i have learned something.
'to give up early, is fastest way to end pain.'
i didnt learn that a year ago.
i hope i did now.
i hope if one day you ever regret. i wont be there anymore.
cos i dont dare to expect you will come back already.
i'll be just like the other two that you never regreted.

the temptation to turn on what i've off.
to pick up what i've put down.
to switch windows to what i've minimised.
to stalk what i'm giving up.
i'm hopeless.

Friday, October 16, 2009

since it's not gonna happen again.
i might as well not keep anything anymore.
or try again.
cos.. i tried and tried.
only more hurt and disappointment.
i wish she die this very second to make u kill urself.
i'm sure it'll pain u to see her hurt than me.
fuck you ex.
fuck u bitch.

looks like tired

i'm told to not contact you.
i told myself not to too.
but i hate it when i dun get anything.

i tried to be rational. i tried to stop thinking.
i tired to sleep early.
i tried to give up.
i tried to turn off my phone.
but it pisses me off more when i know i'm being delete away from ur friend's list.
ur msn. ur phone. and ur life.
maybe... u really havent learn ur lesson from ur previous two relationship.
maybe... it's time i learn to let go.
one more day........

_|_

Thursday, October 15, 2009

i did something he hate.
i'm sure he'll show himself he actually likes her.
and i'll make him regret.
i'll make u know. i already fucked her life.
i'll make her very ugly in school.
becareful. take care of her..
cos.. i dun feel the pain anymore.
i would do anything. anything on earth.
to make her extend her uglinesst. and the most miserable in front of everyone in the canteen.
go read her blog.
i'm bold enough. and daring enough.
u dun hurt me anymore.
i stood 15 fucking mins in the middle of fucking carpark.
u're right. i've got no car. no dogs. i dun live in bungalow.
i dun smile. i dun laugh. i dun wear appropriate clothes.
i dont feel hurt at all anymore.

P.S. I LOVE YOU

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

i wish to relive today. a few more times...
Just a few more times more...
enough for me to not think too much....... =)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

oh. it was always like that.
at least... i dun feel so much of the **** for her existance after one whole night with you.
you shld know why.
aarrrggghhh...
i'm not feeling so well.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

3 days no quarrels?
i hope we're good.. =)
if not... i'll clean my mucus on you if u make me cry again.
tata!

maybe it's just me.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

i'm afraid to sleep at night..
for i'll wake up with tears in my eyes..
or best still. feel someone else talking to me but i was alone in my room.

i'm afraid to talk to you.
for fear that we'll end up having more quarrels.
u getting angrier, and my unhappiness gets no where near you to solve..
and not even my tears can soften you..
but still.. i yearn to earn a little hug from you.
whether it's for my tears or being apologetic or maybe none of those.
i just want someone to be there.
and that's you..

i know it has been hard these few times..
i know i havent been nice or unjealous at any other time..
but i wish something, someone, could wait for me to slowly change.
and think things as simple as it is. and not assume my next move.
or think of any sarcasm..
cos what i need was simple.. time and attention.
i dont need to see it everyday.. i dont have to hear it every hour.
but at the least. i must be able to feel u every now and then without losing anything to a third party that would not do any harm to our r/s but straining my brain because my imaginations are wilder and more stubborn than my personality.
if i choose to accept. will u accept mine. too?

i dont know what to do now.....

not born to be happy

i rather be unhappy everyday.
because one minute i'm happy.
the next minute of pain and sadness is excruciting.

ya.. and i wasnt born to make u happy either.
cos i only give u misery pain and annoyment.

i'm better off alone.
at least i wont get hurt. or hurt another...
maybe.. that's my solution...

and i have a blog. to tell everything i wana say to somebody.
at least this blog wont walk out on me.
break up with me.
scold me. find fault with me.
or not let me be who i am..

i'm happy yesterday.
i was happy today..
but i'm unhappy this very moment.
not all those nice food and accomplishment i have can overcome the pain.
not every thing that satisfy me can change the fact that i'm talking to a bear and blog.
that's me....
cos the one who should listen thinks that it's reporting if i wana tell him something..
i'm really the lousiest girlfriend

upsetting.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

the way you answered the phone.....
enough to upset me more than u have today.
i was still planning to tell u my whole night out and the food and all.
guess. i'll save it for someone else who's more willing to..

no matter what i do...
i'm always the villian. others the angel.
maybe.. especially her.
because.. 'she's a VERY nice friend'
but i'm never a 'she a very sweet gf' or something.
so what u can swear and all.
at the end of the day. the things u say dont tally with what you're trying to explain.
it only make matter worse.
plus... trusting only hurts me more after every time.

looks like i'm never a good girlfriend to you...

disappointing.

again.... i tot i'd be surprised.
looks like i wouldnt be because when it's ur 'friends day',
i'm totally out of ur life.
loser. i shouldnt have hope or expecting you.
i always say i wouldnt end up i would because you put hope in it.
and now seems like the fullstop is clear and bigger than the words i see on ur msn window last night.
liar. you never tried.
i was happy for less than 3 hours ytd
and was spoilt by some bitch for an hour or so.
tell u honestly. i cursed her to die when u were so concern the way she drive.
well. hate me if u like. i'm pissed.
who cares.
u wont read this ANYTIME soon anyways.
i better off fuck off when we're happy.
cos it'll end up being the most miserable one at the end of the day.